F(ear)arewell
It fulfilled its purpose for me, it is time to put it on the shelf and let it maybe even get better in time. Keeping it simple, but still saying a few gratitude words to my followers — I really had some cool feedback momentums in these 1,5 years. Blogging in Medium… Something super nice in reality, as it gives everyone a chance and a platform to get started. Whether you’re a writing enthusiast or a top notch talent on your road. It was exhilarating to share the stage, but I’m calling it a night, as it did for me what I was looking for: conquer my stage fright and build confidence in public writing.
I always found it enormously anxiety-generating to imagine all sorts of people being able to read or give feedback on your pieces (may it be a singing performance, a public article or presenting that Master’s degree paper that you in reality know inside out, but yet get a solid amount of fear for questions anyone might ask you about it). Sweaty hands and heartbeat going really REALLY high up. Trying to prepare each word in my head in advance just to not lose track and panic and go blank. That is how I would describe the feeling. It is rather normal at the age of 10, but not so amazing at the age of 30. Being in a hobby musical group as well and constantly having been confronted with this humungous fright, last year I felt I needed to tackle it.
Looking back on the specialisation of the last 3 of my high school years — on journalism — and the talent my teacher back then regarded me with and the joy I had for investigative writing, I found the link between fairly public writing and something that I enjoy. Blogging — tadaa! Without a super profound business plan for it, I just got going last year with the start of having more time for such — the all famous COVID lockdown. I still remember the first article and hitting the “publish” button — I did it and immediately ran away from the screen for the sake of not seeing what will happen after that. Well, yep, it is a real thingy — a fear as such. But only now do I can connect the dots why I had to do it.
Obviously nothing happens in the immediate moment or the weeks after you publish a blog article. There are algorithms for stories being put forth and it actually needs more than just putting whatever down in black&white and then wait for your “fame to arrive” / everyone (or someone) to read it. I had no plan whatsoever, until the cool questions from a friend helped me realise that indeed there was a lot to be learned about blogging. I took an online course, created a strategy sheet and got to know things I never had needed to think about in my industry and in my career before. Everything built itself up step by step and I also took a profound dive into the world of marketing. A subtle way to bring your stuff a little bit into the public helps. Which I as an engineer had always been told is “easy stuff — you need to really build your technical skills in order to get somewhere”. What a ton of bogus! There are so many fine details in every subject and I found immense joy to also learn to know a completely different side of myself within these learning processes — I discovered I love marketing mechanisms and the digital world it nowadays calls for. I still only know fractions about it, but it has awaken my interest, so I will keep thinking and working with it. Hopefully having a reason. A good old truth as a note to myself and everyone: never stop being curious and always keep asking questions!
So I’ll make it shorter from here on: with each new article and really nice positive feedback, I got more used to the other side of public performance as well— people/friends not giving a damn about my articles or maybe even a slight smug from people who casually know me and do not believe in constantly trying out new sides of oneself. It is amazing and at the same time logical how it builds kind of an armour around you whenever you are opposed to criticism. At one point you might actually realise how little it matters or influences you. I mean I am a fan of productive criticism, may it be negative or positive. But I believe part of the stage fright and the fight-or-flight reaction in it (which basically is the root level reaction triggered within the fear) is associated to being sensitive to getting hurt. And bad words without reason hurt everyone. Some are just less reactive to it and perhaps some avoid it. I decided to confront it in such a manner as being here. And enjoying the path with every single step.
Small conclusion: I got recently back from a longer trip in Guatemala and had my own clarity momentum during the travels and meeting so many different people along the way — all of us are looking for answers or dealing with one or the other “commodity” in their life. We all have our thingies we are working on every now and then and try to get our s#!$ together. Again — some more openly, some unconsciously and some fleeing from what would ground us within ourselves. I was not that much aware why I did this blogging, until it got super clear to me on this trip. I found myself asking why did I not feel the need to write anything here anymore. And then talking to so many different life wanderers… it kinda hit me: I had been looking for a solution to my stage fright consciously, unconsciously I had found it here and the puzzle had been already put together! This little “fear-dude” on my shoulder was not following me anymore.
To be clear — I loved the journey of such writing. I did it out of joy for writing most of all. And for me. Not for someone else or publicity. But as I already said that people on the road of my travels inspired a reckoning in me, I also noticed that sometimes a gravel road turns into grass or asphalt and that certain path elapsed. Time to get out a different pair of shoes and continue on the new track. With excitement.
PS. I want to say my thanks to Sandra and Mariana namely for having been probably the coolest supporters in my “writing career” here. Sharing my stories, actually reading them and taking the time to say such sweet words (trust me — that is much more than most would do). You two are with reason in my life for as long and over distances as you have been. I honestly appreciate your existence. My mom was probably the best cheerleader through all of this. Even though she says “the chic is teaching the chicken”, I definitely keep being surprised by her constant growth and her digitalisation skills. One of the strongest people I have ever met. Not less do I appreciate that strategy inspiring friend. And of course everyone who read one or the other tiny creation out of my sleeve. Like honestly — I had no expectations, but I was made smile a lot.
Probably writing remains in my hands. I have my own website though and who knows, maybe this curiosity for journalism one day gets an output. For now I just did not want to have this blog here lingering. I have other projects to focus on and hope all who stuck with me here, will be with me on my next journeys.
PPS. Be patient. And you do you. :)
